If I were to sit down with you and have your undivided attention and I had complete presence of mind, this is one thing I've been wanting to say:

I know and accept that everything comes from God. I want to work hard at doing His will and fulfilling my life's purpose today and every day. I want to be more likened to God. But how does this idea play out in my life, especially when it comes to keeping some perspective on the future?

While I know that everything comes from God, I also believe and have a strong sense of awareness that God is in control of everything (except my free will), whether it be within me or external to me, physical or metaphysical. I also understand that of course I am human and I sometimes have fits of emotions that cause me to act spontaneously without deference to my general belief that really God is in control, God loves me and provides for my every need. There is nothing that is hidden from God and that God cannot do.

Sometimes I forget, but often I am reminded that what I really want most from this life is a deep closeness to God. I have felt and believed in this ever since I was a child. I have always wanted to be so interconnected with God that nothing secular in this world could come between Him and me in our relationship. Of course, a part of that desire was shaped by what I learned from Bible stories. All throughout Torah, people have had a profound relationship with God. While I do not necessarily compare myself with such greatness, I do take a keen interest in those relationships described in Torah. I am inspired by Adam and Eve in Garden Eden, that Noah walked with God, that Abraham walked before God, that the Jewish people have a covenant with God, and that God was active among His people, etc. When I was a child, I was simply amazed by it all. I wasn't even sure that it was possible outside of the Biblical times. Even still, beyond the Biblical examples, I felt and still feel a deep inclination within me that wants to be intimate with God. What's different is now I am sure that the same intimacy between God and humanity exists even today--that people can still have a dynamic relationship with God. And I am sure that it is possible--through understanding/learning Torah, doing mitzvot, doing acts that heal/repair the world and actively trying to work on refining my soul. I am certain about this belief.

I want and believe that somehow I can have an intimate relationship with God, unpersuaded by the noise and nonsense of anything that is secular or outside of God's desire for my life; although, it is not that I think that everything secular is bad. On the contrary, I think that God allows everything to happen for a reason and everything is a tool/opportunities for godliness. I think that it will take practice and timely opportunities to make real choices in life in choosing to do good, to seek righteousness, to act appropriately, to heal the world, to refine my soul. The challenge for me, though, I feel, is that I have distracting thoughts that seem to challenge my rationale and treatment of real life decisions. I sometimes get confused and I feel a sense of doubt over some particular choice I've made (except, I don't mean the specific choice to convert). This is best explained with a real example from my life, my court case:

I am so certain that God is in control that I know that, whatever happens, it is for the best for me and everyone; even if that means that Sam wins away all that I hold dear in my past life from me--my children and my dreams for our lives. This does not come without emotions, though, either. But, I am not so emotional over myself and my needs and any particular inner peace and acceptance of God's will for my life. I have fairly strong feelings that if I do my best (whatever that turns out to be), that even if Sam gets it all, I trust that God loves me and my family and knows what's best for us. I think that the reason I can feel this way is that I know that God is beyond my wildest expectations and beyond anything I can imagine that would be a perfect, happy ending to it all. But also, if there is some kind of emotional pain for me, I trust that God will send comfort, provide support, give answers and provide for all my needs. To the degree that He created me, I know that He can bring about greater joy and cause for praise.

But, my difficulty is that I tend to actually be more emotional (empathetic) about what this might feel like for my kids or what they might learn from my perceived passivity in all this. They will have a lot of growing pains if they aren't aware of the truth that God is in control and loves them and wants what is best for them. I want to guard them from lies. I want to protect them from ung-dly inclinations (God forbid) that they may have as children growing up too far from my reach. I want to keep them from confusion. Even then, I can imagine some good that will become of this all.

But, my question for you as my Rabbi is if this perspective on my court case is even reasonable? I mean, sometimes I wonder if I am being stubborn for all the wrong reasons? Or, is how I see this issue in my life the exact and most appropriate belief to hold on to? Am I being backwards about it all or does this seem very sound? I would want to know if I am being inappropriate or foolish. Is there something else I should consider? It feel reasonable. This question--this spontaneous thought--feels more like a distracting seed of doubt that is trying to keep me from having more refined thoughts about God in my life. It feels like noise and nonsense that wants to interfere with my intimacy with God. Do you think this is correct?

I have been wanting to tell you this because, if it were the case that I lost it all (God forbid), then I know that you knew my inner-most thoughts and reasons for why I believe that this is all for the best. It just seems like it would help to know that one person understands the idiosyncrasies of this circumstance in my life and can see my struggle in this matter. Before the future is laid out and events unfold, I want there to be someone that can know that I am doing what I am doing now--that I am acting out of faith and trust in God now--because I think it is what seems to be right and good for my soul and for my responsibility towards my children and the world around me. I want someone to know that I am not ignorant or not without a conscience. I am trying to be cognizant for what seems best. I want you to know that I am trying to do what's right in life. I am being like I am because I like feeling a special dependence on God (beyond doing my best that I can do). I like feeling close to God through trusting in Him. I want you to know that I live with an anxious awareness of what God has in store. It feels assuring, for some reason, to know that these thoughts are not just between God and me.

I am praying for strength and clarity.