dreaming

Sam and I had a good talk last night. I really felt like I needed to share more on my perspective about life and hopes and dreams and plans for the future and how that all relates to "not wasting your life". I've had a hard time lately because I feel compelled/inspired to do certain things in life and I know those things don't seem reasonable or rational, but--in my mind--they seem so inspirational, so beautiful and glorious to God, so edifying and so simple. Then the idea gets all complicated and messy and irrational and unreasonable and gets lost in a sea of doubt and discouragement.

Someone shared with me once and said that a person should go and do something because its a dream and you only get one life, so you might as well try and in the end, if it doesn't work out, it would be okay because at least you tried and life would go on and you would always have the memories of what is was like to have tried--rather than to live soberly with the thought that you never tried anything towards achieving your particular dream. And so I guess that is definitely how I feel.

But, also I am alwyas moving from one dream to the next just trying to experience what this life has to offer. I know I can't do everything--the possibilities are too numerous. But, somethings seem so poignant, so reachable if we would just plan it out with the goal of making it work and realistically look at our insecurity--our incompetence, our inabitiy to control all things, every aspect of life--and just go and do it. Particularly if it please God or can, if intentional about it, edify/glorify Him.

I heard someone else describe the notion as "getting it out of your system". I'm still grappling with what that means. I think for some people they just can't understand what its like to go after something, whole-heartedly pursuing a "dream." I find myself in the "middle" mindset. I get a dream or an idea and I want to wrap my mind around it. I want to know, as much as one can: "is it possible?" "how?" "what would it be like?" Then after I've imagined many of the possibilities, I want to try it.

Sometimes I think my dreams make me seem ungrateful for what I have. And I can understand that. But, I really am not ungrateful. Dreaming makes my life seem so alive. I am excited by so many possibilities in life. I don't like being unnecessarilly "tied down"--ideologically speaking. I have always been visionary. I often wonder what God's plan is for my life and I want to go after it. I don't like the feeling of life just passing me by--that certain things in life are just pulling me along. I , for some reason, feel the urge to fight against the mundane, the cyclical pattern of day in, day out. It's like I see one side of life and Sam compliments that with the more "reasonable" side. But in the end, I don't want to just forget about it. I still want to try certain thngs.

My biggest struggle now is whether God would approve. What would make Him not approve? What can I do to glorify Him in pursuing my dreams? Are these dreams from Him or are they a smoke screen? In answer to that, I think ultimately God is in control. Whether I choose this or that, God wills and wants me to glorify Him. So then, whatever I choose, I must be intentional about glorifying God. And so, by virtue of choosing, if I don't follow my dreams (for whatever reason), then I am choosing the "mundane" and must be satisfied in God about my choosing. And for me, the mundane seems so completely unsatisfying. It seems, in this perspective, that I would be unhappy living life just as it is--the why in that case would seem incomprehensable and I don't think I cound understand the why or the purpose. And to actually and intentionally choose the mundane would seem too much like unfaithfulness--that by not choosing the dream I am satisfied in the security of the mundane; that I don't trust God enough with my future; that I want some control over my future well-being and financial situation, etc. But to not think anything of it would also seem squanderous or unstewardly. Is there a good balance?

Another perspective is that when I think of living a "dream", I see what a blessing and joy it could be. But that doesn't mean I am terribly unhappy with where I am now. It just feels incomplete--like I am forsaking a joy for something else (I don't know what, or understand or can identify). So where does discernment and right-choosing come in? I just pray that God will open and close particular doors for me as I try and pursue my dream at present. I am confident that in this way He will direct me.