Friends

Recently, God has taken care of me--indeed, of my family--most poignantly through friends!

I find this interesting because I guess I feel that as much as I love people and seek people and want people (that connection, that spark of interest to show that one cares, that familiar jive, that amiably good feel), well...it happens that quite often--although I don't understand why or how, but...--I get my signals mixed up. I doubt friendships. I begin to question people. In fact I suspect the authenticity, the syncopation, the genuineness of people. I doubt sometimes that the "emissions" of a friendship are actually there--the interest, the favor, the caring. I am wondering all the time about people who are called my friends. It is my biggest struggle, I think.

Of course, I don't blame people. I just move on. I ignore the misunderstanding or the incompetence (not in a harsh way, though). I wouldn't dream of telling someone directly that I find their friendship suspect! Or, at the very least, I would never question someone directly if things were still okay between them and me. I may, in fact blame them, but I would never make it an issue. I am a passive aggressive. I feel, though, that I have to be because otherwise I can't say that I generally love people. (Question: Can you generally love people and without genuinely loving people?) I truly want to say that I love people.

Overall, I let people slide around in and out of friendship with me. I let people slide around in and out of friendship with me. I let people slide around in and out of friendship with me. It isn't a game, though. I don't feel that I really mean to intentionally allow this to happen. I don't intentionally get disinterested in my friends. No, I think what I do is I put friends on the back burner and I wait. I guess I am not all that good at gauging relationships and so I think I sit back and wait for people to respond to me. I don't actually fully engage in friendships; I mostly am actively (semi-constantly) putting feelers out and then I wait for people to sense that I am there. I try to arouse, but then I wait for people to react favorably. I wait for reciprocity. And then I forget. I lose track. Who were my real friends again? (Of course I want everyone to be my friend and I want to be a friend to all. I want to be friendly and friendsome). And so I am left waiting to be unexpectedly surprise when friends do reciprocate.

For me it is easy to be friendly, of course. Perhaps congenial is a better word. I am very congenial..and affable at the onset, I would say. But real Friendship takes work and time; not spent time that you can measure, but the experience of time--like the time it takes to grow a plant--you can't water and cultivate in order for a plant to grow faster (although without those things, plants and indeed, friendships, will stagnate or wither or die). But ultimately these things need time. And so I guess I consider that my true friends are the ones that have stood the test of time as if time, though, didn't actually exists. The best of friends are the ones that you can call anytime and it is as if you just picked up where you left off. It doesn't matter that I haven't seen or been with or talked with or whatever in a long time...the connection is still there. My truest of friends are the ones that have that seem to understand this about me and yet they are still there...participating in friendship with me.