I've already thought a lot about all the reasons why I should not convert. It is true that my relationship with my parents and many of my friends would/will be strained. There are friends and some family members that will probably not talk to me anymore. I will then have to find new friends who do support me. I am confident that Hashem will provide.
And, with my parents, I will talk as much as I can and try to explain myself as best as I can. Relationships are not always simple. We will have to work to find new ways to relate to each other. They are the grandparents of my children...and so I will not deny them that gift. But, they are my parents and I am my own person. I have to do certain things because it is my own welfare. My family and I will have to learn to live in deference to my conviction--it is my cognizance and my right. We will agree to disagree and we will go on loving.
I have thought a lot about how difficult it will be on my kids. There will be lots of questions. Lots of emotions. For this reason, I really need to know what and why I believe the things I do. And the things I do believe, even already, make up my worldview--my faith. I have to share what I know and believe and have rationalized with them in truth. I don't feel at all uncomfortable with that. I don't feel sorry or ashamed. On the contrary, I would feel it to be a tragedy if I couldn't share my faith with them. I feel I must be bold and loving in my convictions. It is what a mother does on principle--in moral and spiritual issues, as well.
Converting will definitely be difficult on my marriage with Sam. But a marriage is multi-faceted--especially when there are kids involved. Spiritually, I don't feel it to be a good fit; we are not in agreement, my faith is different and that is simple/straightforward. But with kids, there are other ways of relating to each other in a marriage. As parents (and how we see each other in our roles), our relationship is pretty solid. He is a good dad and I know that he supports me and encourages me to be a good mom. We support each other on wanting the best for each of our kids. And we usually agree on what is best; it is hardly ever an issue. I wonder if we could still relate on this level, when I do convert. I hope so. But, I understand that relating to each other only on the basis of parenting is not a healthy marriage relationship; especially where spiritual matters are concerned. I just won't deny myself my spiritual sensibilty.
After all these thoughts and more, I don't feel that converting is a big mistake. My friends must know that even if they didn't support me, it is what I want for myself. It is what I want for my kids. But I only need the chance to do it--to learn more about how I feel and think and discern to be true, to learn more about what I must do to fulfill my duty and heart's ambition . I will fight to have that chance to it's completion.
It is a big undertaking. There will be sacrifices. But I will grow in what I was meant to be. It all comes in seeing the journey ahead, taking the path that seems right and trusting in Hashem.
I have read about the Noahide laws. I know too much about the old testament to want to appease G-d in that way. It is not the way I want to live my life. I want to go deep. I want to live for G-d in a BIG way because He is larger than all that. I want to be a part of His people. I want to serve Him as they were instructed. I want to learn to serve others. Being jewish in an integral part of my faith; it is what I see that would complete me.
In some small way, I hope that my friends will understand this and that they will support me, even though I know it is hard to completely understand it. It is different; maybe a little complicated. But, it isn't totally incomprehensible.
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