Arriving here

I have been thinking about my life and what it means; how did it come to this? For what purpose? I don't want to just pretend that I am right, but I do wonder if my thoughts and perspectives were meant to arrive at this certain conclusion: that I must exchange this life that is currently Worldly for a life that is more Consecrated. This, of course, is most poignant in how I see my current and past relationships. (Sometimes, though, I see things so clearly, without a shadow of a doubt. And then sometime along the way I begin to doubt that I am really that keenly discerning. I can't doubt the events, themselves. I just doubt myself.)

The events are that I have a history of failed relationships stemming from the fact that I have sinned. Even my marriage today is failing (mainly because of my spiritual dilemma, among other reasons), and I am supposing it is because we were in sin when we got married. HaShem was not pleased, but He let us go on to bare the fruit of the sin's consequences: the naturally occurring incidental responsibilities, spiritual disturbances, and emotional tribulations. But HaShem is good. I tend to think that He has showed me Judaism as a gift of reparation or restitution. I feel that I must exchange my broken Worldly life for a life that is more fulfilling and sacred. That is what Judaism means for me. That is why it is valuable to me. I, of course, want to be married again someday. But I want a sacred marriage. I want a Jewish marriage. ...if I am to marry, again.

I am not afraid of my life to come because I see it as a good, blessed one because it will be Jewish. HaShem has a purpose for me. My life to come is meaningful. I am excited to embrace it. But it is hard to say goodbye to the old when it is so tragic. I know that I have hurt Sam. I am sad for him. But I don't feel entirely responsible. I feel that it just is what our life would inevitably amount to because of our past mistake/sin. And, what we have left to do is to salvage the good--namely our kids. We are good parents, but we are not a good marriage. I think HaShem will still bless me with a good life, but not in the context of this marriage. I am waiting on HaShem while moving forward in separating myself from a current marriage. I am confident and trusting that HaShem will heal Sam and give him a renewed life. All this will take time.


Today I defended Judaism. It was very revealing to me how much I am in line with it's teachings. I have so much to learn in application, but my mind has wrapped itself around the knowledge and faith of Judaism-- I know what I believe and why. I still want so much more. I want to BE Jewish, I want to learn Hebrew, I want to learn the laws, I want to find my community of Jewish believers.