difficult journey of discovery

My burden feels heavy. I know my reasons, my thoughts, my spiritual desires. I know what I want. It has been a difficult journey of discovery.

With so many people's misunderstanding me, I don't know what to trust, anymore. I only trust what I know for sure--and I know myself. I guess I only know to trust myself. I know what I think. I am ardent...resolute. I want to be Jewish. I am stubborn. I know myself better than I know/understand anyone else on this earth.

I thought I could explain myself clearly. I thought I could make my friends understand...in this time of spiritual awakening,... But I am tired...frustrated...angry...unsure and doubtful.

I want to go on by myself. I want to find my own way. I will do it alone, if I have to. I feel impetuous. I don't know what to do about certain people.

Maybe it's not me. Maybe it is them. Maybe they don't trust me and what I say. And in that case, I am at a loss of trust because they don't believe me. This wedge is obtuse. I need clarity. I am upset. I am resolved to go on alone. I will try to listen to my friends. But my friends seem so out of touch. I want someone else to trust.

I hate how I feel. I feel remote. opaque. I am sorry. I am upset. I want to just have a good cry...and possible never talk to my friends again. I feel ambivalent about certain friendship. I want to push them farther away...but then I want to try and draw them close...but I can feel the wedge. And so I will just wait...