I have not explained yet, in full, how my life has changed or why it had to change. Most people just see my seemingly impulsive behavior and don't understand.
In a nutshell, some things throughout my whole life, here and there, were always reoccurring as if God had written a theme upon my life. And other things, detrimental things, that occurred were of my own design. And then there are just things that happened to me that I just couldn't help, but had shaped my life in an obtuse kind of way.
If I were to simplify the explanation for the big "change," I see that there are 4 basic parts that were dysfunctional about my life that caused me to want to just halt everything. (1)I was raised in this fanatically evangelical ultra-conservative environment so I, in turn, (2) created (and was living) a fictious life where (3) I totally lost the real me in the process and (4) got horrifically overwhelmed with my life that I've created for myself. Sam knows this to some extent and Diana and I talk about this regularly in detail throughout the day.
I am learning to let go of my crazy upbringing. I am creating a new life that is truly me and is within the scope of my abilities, my passions, interests, my hopes and dreams.
I would want to tell you everything but all the white space afforded me could not contain enough room to type it all out. If only I could tell you about all of our conversations and details of our discussions between Diana and I these past weeks! There has been so much that I've processed through. She has brought a balanced perspective and even she wonders how I haven't managed to explode well before now. Suffice it to say that I have learned so much about myself and I am more capable now (to do for myself) than I've ever been able to, before.
My religious convictions was only one aspect of my transition in life. It was one that I had already begun long before recent events. And, if I told you everything then you could easily see that I had always been impressed by G-d in this direction towards Judaism. Instrumentally, certain friends were but a small tool used by G-d. And I am so grateful that they have shared their lives with me. G-d took particular Jewish friends and inserted them into my life to fully awakened my senses, and draw me closer to Him.
The other stuff has been difficult because I have needed to find ME again...and to redirect and make some decisions...and let go of other things. But it's been good, I feel, and I like the person I am becoming. And I like my prospects for the future. I have begun to return to my old dreams and am making plans to see them through. I plan to always remain faithful to my love and responsibility to my kids. They are part the best things in my life. They are first and foremost.
Beyond that, I plan to take care of myself. I need to be an individual. I want to go back to school to study and get my Master's degree. I want to write a book, someday. I want to study Judaism and convert. I want to travel more (including going to Israel)--there are so many places I've always wanted to go and see. I have always wanted to do those things and never knew when to make them happen. I felt lost and left behind. I lost myself in this sacrificial, fictitious world I had created. I was trying too hard to deny who I was in favour of some sort of evangelically, perfectly nice dream life. When people asked if I was happy, it really stirred something in me that was trying desperately to get out. (I, of course don't blame anyone for that, either. It was a perfectly good question that needed an honest answer).
I am learning and processing how not to be so sacrificial--I just can't be all things to all people in my sphere. I cannot begin to tell you how, in the past, I have denied myself the person that is truly me. And it just wasn't fair to myself or the people around me. Nor can I explain any better how or why I had created that world for myself--Diana says it is because I am a people please-er too much (and there is probably some ounce of truth in that). But I truly believe that G-d doesn't want me there and He has been calling me out of that enclave and into a better life--with wisdom, purpose, and favour.
Anyway. I have all this crap to work through. It is hard to put into words what I am thinking in my head. And, I am working really hard to be a genuinely good person, even though it may look like I'm sluffing everyone off. Some people just aren't meant to keep as friends and it's better to just be cordial.
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