Finding a Rabbi is a little complicated for me. I am not just avoiding it.
2 weekends ago, I went to shul with Allaya and I met her Rabbi. I was suppose to call him and make an appointment, but then the next day I decided that I would fly out to Boston. When I got here, I wasn't use to not having the computer readily available to me. So I haven't been good at finding the things I wanted: a Jewish community, the Jewish bookstore, the Jewish center, a synagogue, Jewish friends and a Rabbi. I read 2 books (cover to cover) about Judaism in one day at the Library. And then finally I went to Shul yesterday.
I went to a Conservative service. The service was refreshing in that I felt mentally stimulated and the sermon felt personal. The shul is very active in seeking out new members and people were available for questions. Everyone was all so very friendly. I even had a few people ask if I was looking for a job--as if they wanted to help...some asked if I wanted to continue my Academic studies and that they knew a Professor such and such who studies Philosophy who is also Jewish--there was someone who knew a professor in LA; which I was very interested in meeting! Some one told me to look up a man named Shai Cherry (which I still need to do). Anyway I had a very nice time at the Conservative synagogue.
So...today I went to a small orientation brunch at the Conservative synagogue. I want to eventually find an Orthodox Rabbi, but I was so desperate to make new friends here, so I decided to go to the brunch. I feel so alone in my quest for Judaism because my Jewish friends in CA aren't available to talk.
In contrast, when I went with Allaya, I really liked going to the Orthodox shul in OC. I especially appreciate making new friends with her, Lenny and Lorraine. I was moved to tears and truly loved the service. The sermon, too, felt very personal. The people were not quite as friendly, but I expected that.
I am not sure if I should continue looking for a Rabbi, here. I miss my kids tremendously. I can't imagine studying here so far away from them. Diana wants me to stay a little while longer. But, I am wanting to get started before/by Rosh Hashanah. I have this timetable in my head that I know is completely impossible, but I really don't like holding off any longer. And Sam is also pressing me to stay here longer and has assured me that the kids are doing fine! Nobody wants me to get started on this except for my Jewish friends, and that is some encouragement. I feel I am in such a quandary. Sam and Diana don't think it is a good time for me to come home because I would just jump into my life. I don't feel I want to do that, necessarily. I just want to be with my kids, get my own place close to them, and begin my studies. It is a mental battle just to get my new life started. They mean well, but that bothers me.
I also really want to begin my studies with a Rabbi because I feel sort of lost without any real connection to Judaism beyond my own reading comprehension. I want so much to be actively engaged in some Jewish community. That is another reason I want to come home. I want to try the Lubavitch in Long Beach. What a lost it is for me not to be able to talk to my Jewish friends! I would rather not do this completely without them. Even if I could just ask them questions that would be helpful. Even across the miles, I am longing for their friendship in a tangible way.
Anyway, I will think more on what I should do. I will keep trying to find answers. And I will keep trusting that the answers are there.
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