I value your friendship and so I am writing this. I know that, of course, everything cannot be worked out in one sitting. It is still important to write what I can now. This is a general response that I have. This is a very sensitive issue and I so I ask for your patience with me.
I was concerned about your impression of me. I am not sure why you think the way you do about me, but I don't think things are as you seem to think. You used harsh words that paint a severe picture about me. I wish that you did not think that I am abandoning my kids or my previous beliefs. I wish that you would reconsider and think better of me. Over the course of time and writing, I think that there is a lot to learn about me. Here is what is going on.
I moved to LA so that I can live in a religious, Jewish community. There is a lot available for me here. I am going to classes around the area--some at minimal cost and most are free. I am learning about kashrut (how to keep kosher), to read Hebrew, and am learning about Jewish laws and traditions. I hope to learn to speak Hebrew and to fully study Torah. I go to synagogue every weekend and am keeping the sabbath as best as I can. I am meeting with a Rabbi on Sunday about my future options concerning a post-graduate degree. I am planning on starting school next semester--either at UCLA extension or American Jewish University. By moving out here, I am saving a lot of money on living expenses and on gas--by not having to drive out to LA from Long Beach every day. There wasn't a lot available for me in classes and college. Besides that, nothing was really opening up for me in Long Beach, anyway--I couldn't even get an apartment with just the income I get from Sam through our separation agreement. I am living in a guest-house I rent from a couple of ladies that own and live in the house. I don't know how permanent the living arrangements are, but it is helping me gain a rental history so that eventually I will be able to live in my own apartment. I could live in an apartment with a room-mate and split the rent (which would've been a little cheaper), but I am not able to keep a kosher kitchen that way. So I opted for the guest-house.
Sam and I are actively working out the time-share with the kids. They are living with him simply because he has the most stable environment--he has a career, their schools and home are there in Long Beach, and grandma is on hand to help. Besides that, I have my own issues that I am having to work out. Sam is very understanding and is helping me so that the transition in our new arrangements will be far better for the kids than if we weren't working on this together.
When I am not in class, I have been reading a lot of books. There are a few books I want to share with you about the conversion process. It would help you gain a better perspective on my feelings and issues that I am having to work out.
The most important thing that you need to know is that I love my kids immeasurably and I am seeking a more observant, religious life that is drawing me closer to G-d. I firmly think that I am doing the right thing. Just as there were sign-posts along the way throughout my life, G-d is still opening doors of opportunities and He is leading me in this direction. You may not understand or even agree, but believe me when I say that I am still looking to G-d for continued direction for my life. I am at peace and am growing in my faith and relationship with G-d. If it were not so, then I would not pursue a conversion to Judaism. But it is what feels right within my Neshamah (my intellectual, higher soul).
Please do not be quick to jump to any conclusions. If there are any questions, ask me specifically and I will answer you directly. It may be hard to understand my perspective, but if we keep our communication open, then I think we will be able to work out our different perspectives.
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