Choosing Judaism through conversion is like deciding to search for your birth parents when you've been adopted. Everyone has their opinion and advice about whether a person should or shouldn't search for their parents. Many opinions are just based on feelings. Some people are excited while others are hesitant, cautious. Much of the advice given are based on prejudices and lack of consideration. Some seem to easily understand while others want to (but don't quite) and then there are those that just have a difficult time—all depending on how they view relationships. Some are undecided and even flip-flop in their opinions and advice. More than that, the biggest question they like to answer is, “why?” Why find your birth parents when you were placed in a beautiful home with your adopted parents that love you and have given you so much? After listening to countless opinions and advice, an adopted person comes to realize that their circumstance is their own and not someone else's. They awaken to the fact that as much as other people mean well, they are not me, and so they cannot find the answer for me. Indeed, they may not even understand by any sort of rationale or process of reasoning because they are not in the circumstance themselves—there is always some considerations that are overlooked when it is not your situation to decide. Everything after that becomes speculative advice or biased judgment. The adopted person must then consider and choose for themselves in order to own and be satisfied with their own destiny. When I chose to seek Judaism, in a sense I was choosing to find my real birth parents. Choosing to convert to Judaism is like choosing to accept a unique relationship—different than the life you were previously adopted into. It is like your spirit is being reborn into a new family; indeed a new identity.
Of course this analogy is limited by it's cultural context. Even so, if you were to translate the analogy to a spiritual context, then I would say (and am convinced) that my birth parents are Hashem (my father) and b'nei Yisrael (my mother)--that is, my neshamah's identity is tied to Hashem and to the Jewish people. It may seem self-serving, but it is healthy for my spiritual wellness. It is this dynamic relationship between Hashem and yiddishkeit that I am seeking and choosing for myself. Even if my family and friends don't understand now, there seem to be other intellectual ramifications to grapple with if I didn't go forward with my conversion. If I didn't convert simply for my family's sake, then the consequence would be that I may be always subconsciously resentful of that and my family would feel guilty for having held me back. Far greater an issue is that I would always know that I wasn't doing what I felt I must do for myself and that I felt was necessary for my spiritual life. I would always feel lacking in my faith for not moving forward into this unique opportunity for growth and nourishment. I would feel stagnant and stale. I would feel lost without a true identity of my own.
And congruently, when I chose Judaism—to chose to find my identity in my real birth parents—I also had to then deal with the prejudices of shame and guilt from people who simply could not understand me. Instead of understanding, it was easier for them to respond with questions concerning my gratitude, my discernment, my ethics and my right/cognizance.
It is not that I am ungrateful of my adopted life, as misunderstood by many. On the contrary, I am immensely satisfied and appreciative of the love and kindness, service and confidence that my adopted parents have given me to help shape the person I am today. They helped to nurture and grow my faith into the maturity it is today. It was through their parenting that I was able to ascertain a strong belief in G-d. I recognize that without them I may have never have gotten this far. The fact of the matter is that I needed them when I was a child; but now I am a woman desperately seeking to find her own identity in and relationship with Hashem. I am wanting to complete the puzzle of my life without an original picture to follow. Up until now I have pieced together a great deal of the puzzle (all the while wondering if all the pieces were present to begin with). But now it is obvious that I am missing a few. I feel cognizant that I must find the “before” pieces of my life to complete the puzzle I was set to do—the essential pieces that will reveal something of my past and my future. These puzzle pieces seem, actually, to transcend time. They reveal a great deal about the overall picture of my life—from whence I come and where I am going. In finding Judaism I am learning that I do have a heritage and I will find my direction and purpose in life. There is a beginning and there is a future to my identity.
Sometimes people are stuck in their prejudices. Eventually though, there is the hope that my family and friends will get past the “why”. I have heard it said concerning prejudice, that it is when people begin to stop asking “why?” about a person, that they then begin to see that person simply with love and compassion. When people begin to stop asking why about me (when it is obvious they don't/won't understand the reasons), I hope that they then will begin to love the person that I am and/or have become. Maybe then there is the hope that my family and friends will, after seeing and loving me, will want to seek to know my real parents, Hashem and b'nei Yisrael, as I have. I want to pass on my knowledge of real parentage—my rich heritage. It is only natural that I would want to share and be a part of their introduction to the One True G-d and the gift of the Jewish people.
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