I am thinking about my conversation the other day with Rabbi Czapnik. It was a really good talk.
When I first sat down, I told him that I had been thinking a lot about our conversation from last time. He asked if I had made any decisions about the kids and how my relationship with them was going. He asked about a few details, like how often I see them, how they are doing, and what my plans were concerning them.
I told him my thoughts about what he had said last time--about how conversion needs to be for me; not for anyone else. I told him that it is interesting that he said that because so much negativity that is coming from family and friends is how my conversion is impacting them and how I shouldn't neglect others with my choice to convert. The idea that conversion is for me is true not only in how I feel about family and friends, but also in my relationship with my kids. I love my kids immeasurably. But, I don't feel I can love them to the expectation of everyone else. I cannot even care for them the way others think I should. I compare myself to what Sam has to offer them, and I think they are so much better off in a practical sense. My thought is that they are not only better off with Sam in the context of stability, but also as a parent. I mean, when I look at my life and my spiritual condition, I feel that something in me needs to change. I feel that my conversion is so important. I feel like everything can be accomplished in it's time and in small steps and with help. I feel that right now getting right with G-d is that much more important.
In talking about the kids, he asked me to think about whether I could live with my decision to do what is needed to convert. That is a good question. I feel like I am already answering that for myself, but it is hard to explain it to others. I always seem to make decisions on how others might view me or think about me. It has taken a while for me to get past that and just feel at ease with what I feel is right. When I am just focused on what I thought or feel, I am so at peace. But then, other people's thoughts and impressions and feelings about me begin to make me doubt myself. I feel guilty only when I think others make me feel guilty. I am learning to live with myself and lean on my relationship with Hashem. A lot of my past mistakes have so much to do with doing what other people thought about my life. I am learning to lean on Hashem and to use the gifts/potential he had given me to sort things out for my life.
Somewhere in there, we talked about a lot of other stuff. We talked about G-d's communication with us and our way of understanding G-d word and application for our lives. We talked about modesty. And we talked about my mom's email and my relationship with my parents. He gave me some advice on what to say...I had a lot of questions for R' Czapnik and he was patient with me and answered all of them. We talked about some aspects of being in the conversion process--how it is hard to be/act Jewish for all intent and purposes, but that it poses some problems, sometimes. I wondered if it was appropriate to post a mezuzah, to have wine with Jews, and about shomer negia since I was officially not a Jew yet. He said all those things are fine. I asked about shomer negia and told him that I had heard that it was okay for Jews to touch other Jews, but not okay for Jews to touch non-Jews. He said that absolutely that was wrong. Shomer negia is meant that people of the opposite sex should not touch at all, regardless of whether they were a Jew or not. He said it was not only, as I noted, spiritually impure and for the sake of impropriety, but also because when two people are interested in each other shomer negia is important to help develop the relationship is ways besides the physical--that it helps to strengthen the bond and affection in other ways that are important. He said that a really good book to read is "The Magic Touch."
I asked about another aspect of not officially being Jewish yet is that when I am in class or shul or at an event, many Jews assume that I am Jewish and I am single. This is hard because while I feel totally single, I also don't feel comfortable opening up and explaining my life situation right now concerning the status of my divorce. He said it was fine to be friends with other men. He asked me if there was anyone that was interested in being more than a friend. I said yes and I told him about guys who are interested in me because they say that they like my interest in Torah and pursuit of a deeper relationship with G-d. He asked me if I was thinking of dating anyone. I told him that there was someone who I was friends with and of which there was some intention of really wanting to pursue a deeper relationship. I asked him if it would be appropriate given my circumstance. I explained that I knew in Judaism there is simply the process of writing a get, and that while I have a separation agreement and have filed for divorce, my divorce is not finalized with the judge. He said that as far as being divorced, it was okay to treat it as though I was completely divorced because we are officially separated. He also told me, though, that when I apply for conversion, it is better to have a relationship in the works before the application. He said that the RCC (Rabbinical Council) would like whoever I was interested in to take some classes, as well (about Jewish dating, relationships, marriage, etc). He said that the RCC would be opposed to me beginning to date someone after entering the program. They wouldn't like me to start dating while I was in the program because they want me focused on the classes. I thought that was interesting. I told him that it seemed like I would have to decide about my relationship(s) before applying. That is hard because it forces me to make decisions prematurely, it seems. He said that I would have to see what the application said to be certain of what kind of information they wanted concerning my relationships. .
I think where you and I are concerned, I do want to say something to the RCC. I will have to see what the application says. In my mind, you are my closest and best friend...and they may want to know that I have a close relationship with you. I am not sure what they want to know. The fact of the matter is that I like what we have even though it is what it is for now. I don't want our relationship to change, artificially, just because of some application form. Anyway, it is something to think about. But, your feelings and friendship are important to me. I will not say anything if it is not what you want.
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